Horse story?

My daughter'shorse story?


hi y'all, what do you think of my daughter's horse story? she's only 11! i think its great!








The Last Beauty


The finely tapered nostrils sampled the breeze, while the delicate fore feet pranced. Yes, that was it, the smell he had spent so long searching for. It was the scent of a band of horses. He excitedly tested the air again, just to be sure, only to find that his nose deceived him. He shook his savagely beautiful head and the wide, expressive eyes surveyed the barren ground that stretched for miles in all directions.





He rose on his hind legs, powerful muscles rippled beneath the sleek black hide, the image of the gorgeous, strong and dangerous wild Arabian stallion he had grown to become. He pranced on the rise he was standing on and broke into a canter, a dark silhouette against the equally dark navy blue sky that looked like crushed velvet sprinkled with millions of grains of sugar. His long silky black-as-night tail billowed out behind him like a banner, and his mane reached up towards the skies like a black flame reaching for the stars.





He kept searching for hours until, certain he was alone, he rose once again, his forelegs pawing the sky. His deadly, yet so pure, scream echoed for miles. But, as he screamed, there was an answering call. He thudded back down to earth, surprised. He whinnied again and there it was, another call, strangely familiar. He started trembling with excitement as he saw a tiny sliver of hope. He heard the thundering of hooves as the band approached. He neighed excitedly and bounded up to meet them, only to stop in his tracks.





He saw a herd of about fifteen mares and a few foals, but at the back of the herd was his father, a big chestnut stallion rounding up his mares. They saw each other at the exact same moment, and the chestnut screamed a challenge. He answered by rearing up on his hind legs and letting out a piercing whistle. They galloped head on towards each other and then they clashed!





Black and copper seemed to fuse together in the rising sunlight. The churning fireball of black and copper was full of flying feet and snapping teeth. Each stallion reared up and bit the others neck. The chestnut came back to earth and sent his feet flying towards the black hide, but the youth and swiftness of the black prevailed, and he danced out of the way. But the chestnut had age and experience on his side and quickly landed a kick on the blacks’ rump.





They tried to knock the other down by biting their knees, kicking them with all their might and biting as hard as they could, all the while rearing and bucking. After half an hour of this the black stallion was weakening. The chestnut double-barreled him in the side and grabbed his knee and pulled. He fell to the ground with a thud and struggled to rise. The chestnut stallion prepared to finish him off by rearing and landing on him, but one mare dared to intervene. His mother whinnied angrily and charged at the stallion. She whipped around and threatened to kick him, her black mane flying, and her grey body sweaty. While she was protesting, he slowly crawled away and rose to his feet.





The black stallion trotted away slowly until he was at a safe distance and called to the grey mare. She looked over, whinnied weakly and looked away. He cantered away reluctantly, and didn’t stop all day. It was dusk when he stopped at a waterhole. He had a long drink and ate a few mouthfuls of the salty dry grass that grew there.





As the first stars were coming out he looked up longingly at the sky. As he rose up high on his hind legs, stars started to shoot across the navy sky. He whistled long and loud, and shook his perfectly chiseled head while his forelegs reached up high on the still night air.


He made a magnificent picture, mane and tail flying. Yes, he was the last beauty.

Horse story?
It is a rather good story and had great moments of imagery, but it falls short of publishable material. Unless she is going to publish it in a child's magazine, it will not pass muster for most publishing companies.





It is a snapshot of a horse's life that isn't really descriptive enough and there are some flaws in the storyline and some of the imagery. He rears up an breaks into a canter? to where? for why?





the sky is a dark navy blue speckled with millions of grains of sugar - fairly good imagery of night, but then his tail is 'black-as-night'. If the night sky is dark navy, what color is his tail?





The fight scene is ok, just needs better vocabulary to define it. The mare seems to randomly want to intervene. Mares will not intervene in this kind of fighting, but still - description of the mare calling or doing something that would suggest concern before she intervenes would connect the moment better. Stallions rarely kill other stallions when fighting over herds. Almost always one ends up leaving before death.





Also, what makes this particular horse the last beauty? The chestnut stallion is not as beautiful? What about the mare that is apparently this stallion's mother? What about the rest of the herd?
Reply:THAT WAS GREAT!But then again I do not think a mare would intervene but it was good to!Go ahead publish it!





Edit-NOW PUBLISH IT NOW!(oh and sometimes if teachers don't know about horses they MIGHT give you a low score I hate that fact!)
Reply:YES!!!! It is a great story! There is voice and amazing imagry! She should publish it! Has she showed any of her teachers?
Reply:All I can say is WOW.
Reply:Geez ajierene it's a STORY not a documentary....She's 11!


I think it is creative %26amp; if she can find someone who will publish it, then go for it.
Reply:Thats a really good storey for a 11 year old im 13 and dont have that good of writing yes you should defintly publish it ,then you will have it for keep sake!
Reply:That was great! And shes only 11? Yeah, you should publish it!
Reply:OK, WOW!!! that story is soooo good!!!!!!!! AND AN 11 YEAR OLD????? Im 13, and i just learned some of the words in there. lol. i still cant write something like that... :( you SHOULD get it published after you edit it! i tthink you should put pictures in it, illustrated or photos. that would really add to the story!
Reply:I think it's great for an 11 year old! If she could find someone to publish it then go for it!
Reply:Very good. It sounds suspiciously like the The Black Stallion and Flame by Walter Farley...